Common Communication Problems and What Do About Them

Problem: Communication isn’t a relationship priority.

Perhaps you thought the pieces of your relationship would always just fall together. Maybe you feel that your love is so strong that your connection really doesn’t require much maintenance.

If so, you’re gambling with your good thing. Communication protects your bond.

• What to Do? Commit.

Be intentional. Commit now to better communication. Sincerity and reliable effort will be appreciated by your partner as you move forward.

Problem: Alerts, notifications, diversions, and distractions.

Many couples complain about the silence between them. Not because there is anything really wrong at first. Unless you count ever-present screens, the constant presence of a child or children, and the piles of work that are always calling them away from each other.

Too many unchecked distractions kill meaningful conversation and get in the way of solid connection.

• What to Do?  Honor the time and show up completely.

Mentally,  emotionally and intimately. Time is extremely important for deeper conversations to occur. Loving communication requires your mental and physical presence. Be there for each other. Phone, text, and use social media in an effort to connect. Don’t forget to date!

Loving feelings will grow each time you make an effort to share. It’s wise to put the world aside routinely to really see and hear each other. Forget the chores, turn off the glowing screens, get a sitter for the kids. Schedule togetherness and make time to talk.

Communication problem: Too much focus on “me”  instead of “we.”

How much concern do you show about your partner’s needs and wants? Do their moods, obligations, and dreams concern you in ways that they can feel? If not, loneliness and resentment can drive a wedge between you. To communicate well you have to pay attention to each other’s hopes for the relationship and desires for a life together.

• What to do? Tune in, check in, stay curious.

You probably have a lot to say. But what is your partner trying to tell you?

To be a good listener you must engage your partner, see their point of view. Boost your ability to focus and hear your partner in these ways:

• Ask questions.
• Sincerely reflect what you heard.
• Interpret your partner’s body language and tone.
• Curiously study your partner and gather information about what matters to them.

Communication problem:  Unresolved issues freak you both out.

If you find that you and your partner often say “we don’t talk anymore.” Perhaps you need to take a close look at what’s going on in your relationship. What aren’t you saying? Why?

Are you afraid? Are you resentful? Are you indifferent?

Sometimes partners let anxiety about unresolved issues lead to unproductive avoidance.

• What to do? Be proactive, vulnerable, and brave.

Healthy communication is open and honest. It’s normal and loving to disagree, discuss, and seek answers thoughtfully.

Share your thoughts and concerns completely so that buried problems don’t become barriers between you. Ask each other questions, really hear each other on tough issues affecting you both.

Be solution-minded but accept that some issues won’t be resolved. Two different, intelligent individuals won’t always sync up. Don’t let personal insecurities, unrealistic expectations interfere with a willingness to communicate in a mature and considerate fashion.

Communication problem: The need to win makes communication a competition.

Couples with conflict and tough communication often become competitive and prone to the thought that they should be “winning” fights. The need to win an argument becomes more important than resolving the conflict and working to understand our partner’s thoughts and feelings. 

• What to do? Be respectful and compassionate.

Conversations that begin with “you” sound accusatory (“You keep making a mess,” “You didn’t stick up for me”). Instead of going there, ask your partner more questions. Calmly and genuinely asking why they made those choices and starting a gentle conversation can lead to a productive exchange rather than an argument. Think about whether your tone will heal the communication rift or keep you adversaries.

Finally, keep in mind that you are choosing to be together. The fact is, you’re in your relationship for teamwork. You’re both hard-wired to belong and contribute. We all are. Keep conflicts in perspective and be quick to course-correct when you realize you’ve gone too far.