Mental Load: What It Is & How to Share Yours

In modern-day households, couples often expect and plan to split the daily chores and home maintenance responsibilities. However, it frequently seems that there is just one person in many families who does most of the thinking for everyone.  Perhaps it’s no surprise to you.

In fact, research shows that women tend to take on something called “mental load” in their households. This term indicates that women feel responsible for managing the bulk of household and family concerns.

What about you? Do you feel that there is a never-ending task list in your head? Are you constantly planning where you need to be, reviewing what you need to remember, and listing what needs to be done?

Does the burden of your mental load impact your relationship? You may think that your partner does not care about the mental load you are shouldering. Perhaps your relationship roles make you feel like you cannot speak up due to fearing the tension it may cause.

On the other hand, your partner simply may not know you are mentally struggling without your saying so.

If it’s time for a change, consider these ways to share the mental load with your partner.

Use Your I Statements

When discussing your mental load with your partner, be mindful of using your I statements. Statements such as “I am feeling overwhelmed” or “I need your help with planning the birthday party” gets your feelings and needs across without sounding accusatory and causing defensiveness in your partner. 

Additionally, it is important to highlight the ways in which your partner contributes to your family. Acknowledge the positive but be direct and specific about what your partner can do to lighten the mental load for you. 

Help the Changes Stick

When the time comes that your partner helps you take the mental load off, let them. Be careful to not spend this time and mental energy trying to correct your partner and having them do things the way you would do them. The right way of getting things done is just for it to be done with teamwork.

For example, your partner may decide to mop the floors while you give yourself some alone time. You are not helping yourself if you take over for your partner because you feel like you have a better handle on it. Let your partner continue mopping the floors. Use this time for some self care. This allows your partner to be there for you, effectively lightening the mental burden you have been carrying for so long.

Keep the conversation going! This is not a one and done topic. Be sure to make an effort to regularly check in with your partner about the balance of your family’s responsibilities and the current weight of your mental load.