Mental Load: What It Is & How to Share Yours
In modern-day households, couples often expect and plan to split the daily chores and home maintenance responsibilities. However, it frequently seems that there is just one person in many families who does most of the thinking for everyone. Perhaps it’s no surprise to you.
In fact, research shows that women tend to take on something called “mental load” in their households. This term indicates that women feel responsible for managing the bulk of household and family concerns.
What about you? Do you feel that there is a never-ending task list in your head? Are you constantly planning where you need to be, reviewing what you need to remember, and listing what needs to be done?
Does the burden of your mental load impact your relationship? You may think that your partner does not care about the mental load you are shouldering. Perhaps your relationship roles make you feel like you cannot speak up due to fearing the tension it may cause.
On the other hand, your partner simply may not know you are mentally struggling without your saying so.
If it’s time for a change, consider these ways to share the mental load with your partner.
Make a Mental Load List
Before speaking to your partner, be observant of your mental load and make note of the items that are on it and which ones weigh on you the most. When you are ready, talk about what exactly is going on in your head. This involves revealing your mental load.
Think about the first thought that pops into your head. Are you thinking, “I need to make breakfast for everyone before I get dressed?” “I need to schedule that doctor’s appointment.” “I need to go on a grocery run.” Share this list with your partner so they have an understanding of how overwhelmed you are. This can also give you an idea of how much you have on your plate and help you to prioritize what can go first.
Use Your I Statements
When discussing your mental load with your partner, be mindful of using your I statements. Statements such as “I am feeling overwhelmed” or “I need your help with planning the birthday party” gets your feelings and needs across without sounding accusatory and causing defensiveness in your partner.
Additionally, it is important to highlight the ways in which your partner contributes to your family. Acknowledge the positive but be direct and specific about what your partner can do to lighten the mental load for you.
Take the Load Off
Once you communicate with your partner about your mental load, think of ways to reduce the stress. It can be a matter of splitting the responsibilities together or making each of you responsible for one particular area.
If you are taking on too much, getting at least one or two items off of your plate makes a difference. You will feel much better afterward and can continue to increase items with open communication and practice.
Help the Changes Stick
When the time comes that your partner helps you take the mental load off, let them. Be careful to not spend this time and mental energy trying to correct your partner and having them do things the way you would do them. The right way of getting things done is just for it to be done with teamwork.
For example, your partner may decide to mop the floors while you give yourself some alone time. You are not helping yourself if you take over for your partner because you feel like you have a better handle on it. Let your partner continue mopping the floors. Use this time for some self care. This allows your partner to be there for you, effectively lightening the mental burden you have been carrying for so long.
Keep the conversation going! This is not a one and done topic. Be sure to make an effort to regularly check in with your partner about the balance of your family’s responsibilities and the current weight of your mental load.
Anxiety therapy can assist you in understanding how mental load affects your wellbeing as well as support you in making the needed changes to decrease this burden. Please contact us at Mindworthy Therapy to learn how to cope with anxiety and feel more at ease with your life.
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